Forgiveness is the path to freedom.
Forgiveness frees you from the energetic chains of your past.
Forgiveness is essential to be happy and healthy in yourself and your romantic relationship.
Today’s topic is a particularly challenging one for me and probably for you, too.
I’m in several online courses by the amazing, money queen and self-made multimillionaire Amanda Frances, and the foundation work for one of the courses is forgiveness. (The course is called Money Mentality Makeover, which is life-changing, by the way; and if you’re interested, I will be an affiliate of that program, and you can sign up through me next February!)
I actually started this blog sequence back in February before I started the course. While doing the coursework, I love how much growth I have experienced since writing the first draft of this post that has now – five drafts later – become this final draft.
I’m in awe of how much came up for me that still needed (and some things that still need) forgiving and how much I have resisted it.
Growing up I had some very misguided beliefs around forgiveness. Essentially I believed I had to forgive the other person to set them free, that I had an obligation to forgive them. I felt as though if I forgave someone, I was excusing what they did. I was also taught to forget what they did, which felt dangerous to me. If I forgot how someone wronged me, how could I protect myself from them or someone else doing it again?
It wasn’t until becoming an adult I realized how misguided this approach is. It’s not about setting the other person free — at least that’s not the reason to forgive, even if they do benefit from it.
The reason to forgive is to set me free.
Forgiveness is the only way we can move forward and be empowered by our circumstances, not victimized by them.
If we are unable to forgive, we are wasting valuable energy that could be better used to manifest the happy, healthy relationship you are dreaming of and deserve.
Being unable to forgive keeps us prisoners to the past, making it so we are unable to move on. We need to learn from the past experience so we can keep from making the same choices again.
We must forgive the other person and ourselves, let go, and move on.
I haven’t been able to forgive my ex-husband yet for how our relationship and friendship ended or for what happened during the relationship – all the ways he didn’t show up for me, let me down and even betrayed me and my trust.
I haven’t been able to forgive myself for choosing such an incompatible partner and letting him treat me and my son the way he did, and for staying in the relationship for nearly a decade of my life.
As I wrote this post and began to explore my desire to forgive my ex-husband, I was surprised to discover so many feelings of anger, resentment and even regret that came up for me. The rabbit hole went much deeper than I had expected.
No wonder I found a lot of resistance around writing this post. It unearthed many skeletons in my closet I didn’t even realize were there!
This is why the process of forgiveness is so important.
The things we haven’t forgiven hold our energy hostage and keep us from having the love and life we deserve.
I have not been able to forgive my ex-husband yet, but I want to and I am committed to forgiving him so I can be free of this.
I will not forget what he did, but I will not dwell on it either. I will focus instead on what I learned and how much I’ve grown from this experience.
My desire to forgive him does not excuse what he did, nor is it a desire to have any kind of relationship with him now.
My desire to forgive him is to set my heart free – free to let go, to move on, to be truly happy in my new life with my new partner with whom I am so wonderfully compatible in all the ways I was not compatible with my ex-husband.
I would not be with my partner if I was still trapped in an unhealthy relationship with my ex-husband.
People are capable of forgiving the most unimaginable things. I know I can forgive him, just as you can forgive someone who has wronged you.
Find freedom through forgiving ourselves and others.
Not only do I have to forgive my ex-husband, I need to forgive myself for not trusting my own instincts, for not listening to my intuition, and for blaming myself.
My intuition warned me that things weren’t right, and I knew in my heart that they weren’t, but I trusted him anyway against my own better judgment. My intuition tried to protect me and I overrode it at every turn.
I keep blaming myself for not listening to my intuition. However, all blame does is make me a victim and I ‘m not a victim. I need to face the reality of my choices, and his, and their consequences with love, compassion and eventually forgiveness.
My ex-husband and I were doing the best we could with what we had at the time under extremely difficult and painful circumstances.
We both loved each other very much, but we were incompatible and always had been. We weren’t able to see that until there came a point in the relationship where it was impossible not to, and the relationship could not continue, not even as friends.
If I put myself in his shoes, I have a great deal of compassion for my ex-husband because we loved each other so much. We were both suffering in our relationship, but for different reasons.
I want to let this pain fully go and be free of its hold on me.
The way to do that is through forgiveness.
We have to remember to be kind and patient to ourselves through the process of forgiving someone who has hurt us.
The six steps to forgiveness.
The “Steps to Forgiving” from the book The Success Principles ™ How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be, by Jack Canfield with Janet Switzer are very helpful in moving through difficult circumstances when you have feelings of resentment and anger, and find yourself unable to forgive.
I LOVE this book. If you haven’t read it, you must. This book was given to me in 2017 by my dear friend Cameron Robbins, The Gentleman Artist, and it changed my life.
I personally recommend you do this process in writing privately in a journal. If you’d like support in working through these steps, reach out someone you trust, a coach like myself, a therapist or a friend.
1. Acknowledge your anger and resentment.
2. Acknowledge the hurt and pain it created.
3. Acknowledge the fears and self doubts that it created.
4. Acknowledge any part you may have played and letting the behavior or the event occur or letting it continue.
5. Acknowledge what you were wanting that you didn’t get, and then put yourself in the other person’s shoes and attempt to understand where he or she was coming from at that time, and what needs they were trying to meet–however inelegantly–by their behavior.
6. Let go and forgive the person.
The Success Principles ™ How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be by
Jack Canfield with Janet Switzer, pg. 256-257. Get your copy here: http://www.thesuccessprinciples.com/
We’re all doing the best we can with what we have at any given moment in our lives. Remembering that helps us have compassion and makes the process of forgiving someone easier.
I’m going to do this six-step process myself to forgive my ex-husband and myself, and I’ll share the results with you in a future blog post!
Be sure and check back for additional resources on forgiveness as we dive deeper into this important and challenging topic.
If you are looking for support or assistance forgiving someone in your life and you’d like to work with me, I am accepting new clients for one-on-one Relationship Alchemy Sessions ™.
If you’d love to know more and working with me resonates with you, please email me. I’d love to help you have the happy, healthy relationship you’re dreaming of and deserve.
Now, I’d love to hear from you.
Are you struggling to forgive someone who’s hurt you? Will you try the “six steps to forgiving” process to help you through it?
Please share in the comments below and be as detailed as possible. What you share could inspire or help someone else.
P.S. Please don’t share any links to outside websites; any links will be deleted.
Have any questions for me?
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Your question may be answered in a future blog post!